A Wish To Fall
by Jaxalie
Summary: One Month. One month since I’d last seen his golden eyes filled with the harsh cold I had always feared. One month since he'd left me stranded in this life. One Shot. Bella Pov. Set within the depression months of New Moon.


**A/N**: Another One shot. this time Bella Pov. I know it's been done loads but its about what she feels when Edward leaves, set within the months of her depression. read, review, Constructive crit is welcome.**

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A Wish to Fall

Even in the darkest times people should able to find a small glimmer of something that resembles happiness, be it the light given from Friends, and support, or the light brought on by a forgotten memory, pulling them somewhat from their depression and into a place of being without the hate and despair brought on by the loss of someone dear. Not me.

For me it was different, it would always be different.

My pain would never be the same as any other being on this Earth, the same as so many things in my life, I was different. For one thing when someone was usually dumped, they were able to move on to someone else, often better and more cared for, the circle of life hardly affected by the loss. They'd shed a tear and then move on. I would never be able to do this. It was one thing to lose someone you imagined being in love with, but when you knew that that person would be the only being in all eternity who would be able to fill the void of your heart, one might understand now why I lay in shattered pieces of the person I once was.

And even the pain would never be identifiable to the degree of complete understanding.

It felt like my heart was gone. Leaving nothing but a gaping hole filled with empty and bitter promises from lips that were once so sweet and now seemed tainted with the lies. I couldn't blame him.

I knew it was never going to last, we were too different in so many ways that even I couldn't fully comprehend how much so. He was light and beauty, the very being of god that preachers preached for, that children wept for and that held the secrets to all the wonders and horrors of the world.

And I? I was nothing, Insignificant in every meaning of the word. Not even worthy of his time for even a short moment, and yet he had spent to long by my side it was almost like this being that he was, was a part of me too. I could hardly find the reason to breathe if he was not there.

He was my everything in all its entirety, My lungs, without him I could not breathe, My brain, without him I could not think, my heart… that gaping hole in the centre of my chest. That was him. He did not just hold it with him, he was my heart. And now I had to learn to be without him.

Another waft of tears spilled from my already swollen eyes.

Night time always proved to be the worst for me. The long hours of darkness that once proved my greatest joy. If only because I knew he would be there for me, holding me, protecting me like an angel watching over me and spreading love over my entirety. He was not there now and I felt cold and empty, the darkness come to swallow and suffocate me with its blackness. There was nothing here now but the danger of falling over the edge completely. Something I had promised I would not do. But how could I help it now?

I breathed raggedly, the hole forever burning like an internal fire set to consume my being. One month.

One month since I'd last seen his golden eyes filled with the harsh cold I had always feared.

One month since he'd left me stranded in this life.

It hurt to remember how much he meant to me. His bronze tussled hair, his beautiful face, his eyes. These things brought back wafts of pain. His laugh, his smile, his frown, his musical voice, his scent, all things sent to destroy me now. I could never have thought I could miss anything so much as I missed him, I didn't care that he'd destroyed me completely with the words he had spoken on our last meeting. I just wanted him back with me; I wanted to be whole and to feel the way I should. I wanted all the pain that had corrupted and ruled my life since the moment he had walked away to just leave and make room for him once more.

It wouldn't have been so bad, had I not already known that he would someday leave me. That only made it more real, I had prayed that that day would be farther into the future, I wanted to share as much as possible with him in the time he was meant to stay. Too short.

I needed him longer. It was selfish and horrible and needy but I needed him with me. I needed to see him smile again, to hear him laugh, to hear his voice at least once. He'd left no trace of himself behind. As though he'd never existed and I had just dreamed up this godlike creature out of desperation and loneliness. But he had existed, he _did_ exist still, I knew he did. I didn't need photographs and visual evidence to know he was still out there somewhere, and that's what made the throb worse.

I couldn't forget. How could he ever have thought I could?

He brought me so much. I was dead before him, and now I felt dead once more. I couldn't sit by myself in a dark room without thinking of him. I couldn't speak to my supposed friends without the memory of him flittering across my traitorous mind. There was constantly something in my head repeating images and words and things that made him come into my mind. He was constantly there. Something in my screwed up head stuck on painful repeat, screaming out to me to remember.

_Edward, Edward, Edward_… it hammered out day and night, each mention of his name shattering me all over again. I was going insane and I was well aware of the fact. But what else could I do?

I could never go back to being what I was, to pretending he wasn't there, that he didn't affect me so. I just couldn't, it was a physical impossibility to think that.

My father didn't understand why I was this way at all. No one did. Who could ever understand how much Edward meant to me?

There I said it, the name that stabbed into me over and over again. The name that brought so much pain, and yet a sick happiness flooded me whenever it could be heard. Edward. I revelled in the sound of it, even in my mind; it still rang clear as any bell, causing a tingle in the bottom of my spine. I needed him.

Pathetic as it was, I needed him, I needed to hear that name, because I needed to remember something in my mind knew that too well, but each time I tried I felt a strange terror overwhelm me. I could not be consumed within memories, and yet I could not forget for fear of losing the only true happiness I had ever experienced. So here I was, stuck in-between like in permanent limbo. I could not have heaven, and I could not bring myself to embrace hell in any way.

I wondered if he knew just how much he affected me. Part of me prayed he didn't, I couldn't take the fact that he would be hurt to know that he'd hurt me so. And I knew he would be hurt. For all that had happened I knew he loved me still. I knew that he was doing what he believed best for my well being so he had to love me. I just wish I find some why of showing him I was not better off without him, and that I was never safer than in his protective arms, encircling me and cradling me to his cool, firm chest.

But I could not.

And yet this could never happen, would never happen so I was stuck in this loop of hell without him for the rest of my short life.

And this thought made me sink deeper to the black abyss, but never quite allowed me to fall.

I wished I could fall.


End file.
